Out

On my way out. Out to the world of many. Out to the world of learning. Out to the world of new. A new life. A new place. A new me. It's the time that newcomers come out to explore. Explore the possibilities the world holds for us. It's time to reestablish our never ending new life of independence, learning, and being who you set out to be. It's time for our futures to start.

Waiting

Sometimes waiting on someone that you don't even know kind of sucks. You just want to wait for that twirl of a moment to come your way. You want to wait for that person to take your breath away. But how long do we plan on waiting? We all know that we can't wait a lifetime. But I know that one in a billion could wait till eternity. For me, personally, I can't wait because I got to move on with my life. Waiting will hold me back from living an exciting life.

Younger Mistakes

Sometimes being a kid sucks. But when you become a young adult, you realize that all the mistakes that you should made was when you were younger. As we get older, the mistakes we do will dissatisfied others. So making a mistake as a kid is no big deal as long as they don't break the law. Only to twist their parents' rules.

Just a Little Crush

I must stare. I know it's crazy, but I must. He is just so cute and adorable. I know I am crazy because I am liking him from afar. He probably doesn't even remember me.

We were at the college orientation meeting when I first laid eyes on him. They were putting us into groups. He was in my group and I just so happen to sit by him.

Now it's weeks later and I am still thinking about him. I can't believe I let it get this far. I must. I must. I must go up to him and speak to him. But. But what if he does talk to me what will we talk about. What if I tell him that I think he's cute. Yeah, guys likes to be complimented so he is probably use to it. So yeah, at least we'll have a conversation.

Now it is time.

Parents Just Don't Understand

I am cutting myself out of pictures and throwing them away. I try to cut the memories and throw them out of my life. I see myself as trash. Trash as in something or someone that doesn't belong here. All my life for almost 18 years, I've been told that I'm a retard, stupid, irresponsible, and too immature. And as I look up, I tell God th go fuck himself. To go help someone that is worth more than me. Tell him that why should I pray to him if doesn't even help me out for a tiny bit. But no. I find myself as getting more irritated every freaking day. And I know that one day I might explode. And I'm scare that I might hurt someone or myself. I just can't stand it any longer. My parents just don't understand of who I am or who I'm going to be. Even I don't know who I am. I just don't understand them. And if I become a parent, I know that I will be better than them. I will treat them better and pay more attention to them.

Which One Are You?

Just because you think you made a decision doesn't mean it's the right one. Just because you say, "It's what my gut tells me," doesn't mean it's right. Just because your friends tells you it's okay doesn't mean they're. It's like that saying. What is it again? Oh, right. "Just because they tell you to jump off the bridge doesn't mean you should do it." Be leader not a follower. In other words; think positive, use your mind and  think about the outcome, and don't a follower. Be who you are and not what they tell you to be. They may not like it and they probably will disconnect from you. If they do, they are not real. Pick new ones that will accept you for you. And when you find new ones, you will make smarter decisions.

A Blast to the Past

"Just because you get to go doesn't mean you could rub it in my face. And just because you're more higher class doesn't mean your superior to anything or anyone. You are a stuck up snob who doesn't get reality."

Those were the words of a girl who told me the truth, which I was shocked that she even stood up to me. She was a quiet, smart girl that I would pick on. I guess she did have some friends, but I never really notice. I was little bit envious of her. She had what I wanted, which was valedictorian status. I was the ASB President, but never the valedictorian. I had the grades, but not GPA.

"I could see what you're going to be in ten years. You're going to the college of your parents' dream. You're going to party while there. Have a degree, but won't use it. You're going to be a housewife. Your husband would most likely cheat on you.  And your life would be fuck up from there. How was that for your future?"

When she told me my future, it infuriated me. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to say, "You're nothing. You're worthless. And why would God put you here to live?" But the principal was walking towards us. And once I thought over what I was going to say, I knew I was going to be wrong about her. Because in time I knew she was going to be better than me.

It's five years later. I guess she was right. She knew my future was set. And I went right along with it. I never changed the course.

I heard the girl went on to medical school. I heard she is engaged to a millionaire's son. I hope her future is better than mine.

I look back at my high school days and wonder, "What if I was nice? Would my future be different?"
But I realize that you can't change who you were, but you could change who you are.

Change

Let's discussed CHANGE. Is change a good thing? Or a bad thing? Is it acceptable to change for love? Is it acceptable to change for popularity? Or is it acceptable to change for just yourself? Is the outcome going to be positive experience? Or a negative experience? Is everyone going to like it ? Or would they hate it? Would you get compliments? Or would you get comments? These are the most common questions anybody would ask themselves if they decide to change their personality or looks.

Everywhere I Go

When the one you loved slipped away, there is no looking back. As I went on, he came back. He came back at the wrong time. Especially since I just got my life back together. Now I see him everywhere I go. I see him and then I don't. He is visible and then he is invisible. Just like I used to be before I changed. I see him in my dreams. I see him in my mirror. I see him on my street. I see him everywhere I go.

Alone in the World

Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel that I don't have friends nor family. Sometimes I think that one day I might die alone. But now I know I'm not alone. Now I know that I have and need friends and family. Now I know I do have someone to die with. Now I know I'm not alone. Now I know someone cares. Now I believe I am a somebody. Somebody who could make something out of myself. I am not worthless. I am not anyone. I am someone who believes in me, myself, and I to make my own decisions of who I am and who I am gonna be. I am a someone.  I am a person. And that person is me. I. Am. Me.

It Hurts...

It hurts when someone you love doesn't support you in what you do. Especially if it's someone who helped created you in the making. It hurts that someone could trust someone else rather than you. It hurts when you say I'm stupid, irresponsible, and most of all it hurts when you laugh at my dreams.

Cheating Jerk

"Are you friggin' kidding me?" was the last thing I said before I left him in my room alone with her. I couldn't stand to see his face again.

I remember that night and his face in pleasure then shock when he saw me. I caught him red-handed. Especially with that girl right on his lap. I can't believe anyone could do this to me. Maybe I was a little uptight about giving in, but I wanted the timing to be just right. But to able to this at my after prom party when I was about to give in. I thought I gave a few hints, but he couldn't leave IT in his pants. But this girl he was with wasn't just any girl, she was my best friend. She been my friend since like forever. I always knew that she was jealous of me, but I never thought that she could steep that low.

You Loved Me

You told me you love me and you went away taking my heart, too. You took away my love. You took away my virginity. You took away my soul. Now I lay in a cozy box because you took away my identity. You took away my friends. You took away my family. You took away my FUTURE family. You took my beloved life. You told me you love me and you killed me. You gave me life. You gave me a reason. And now that reason is gone. You told me you love me and then change your mind. Your words ended my life. My action ended my life.

Just Sick in Death

When they told me the bad news, I knew I was in for a ride. I feel like a person that gets hit by a bus every single day. I have to live with it until I could not feel nothing. Feel numb. Feel dead. But every time someone tell me "it's going to be okay" or "you're strong" I get sicker. I guess my body is confused by what they say because my body does the opposite. The opposite of getting better. I am just dying slow. I wish it could be faster because I might want to kill myself if it doesn't. My life is on the line, and I wish someone could come and take me away from my problems.

Someone did took me away from reality. A side I thought I never would visit. A place called FUN. Well it was fun, I actually felt that he could be the one since he showed my fun side because no one could actually do that. I mean how could anyone. But I guess fate just showed up late. Because he later died eight months after we met. I was in love with him. And he was in love with me. Now its three months since after he died. And now I am dying. Cancer kills away your future. Cancer killed my love. And now cancer is claiming me.

Ambition Kills

Ambitions are one of my personalities, but I don't follow through. Ambitions are my weakness in life, but my ambitions are turned into dreams. Dreams that makes me leave reality. Dreams that makes my world so vague. So surreal. So much colors. Colors that blinds the eye. Characters and the scene looks like cartoons. I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

But I am stuck in a world of fiction. I tried to get out, but the more I do the more I become a prisoner. A prisoner suffocated by the ashy air. Ashy air that could kill. And I am dying. Dying slowly. I am trying to breathe. Before I could take my last breath, I was out. Out the world of fake.

Wish Versus Fate

     Ugh. I hate him so much that I wish he was dead.  I didn’t expect him to die. But when that day came, I wish that I didn’t wish for him to die. I didn’t expect my wish to come true. You know what? I am stupid enough to blame myself for this shit. But maybe it wasn’t a wish that killed him. Maybe… Just maybe it was fate. You know fate? Fate as in what determines your future. Yeah, let’s call it fate. Fate it is. You know that saying, “when life hands you a lemon?” Well, maybe fate handed him a bad lemon. Yeah, it’s fate’s fault, not my fault. But why do I sound so guilty? Does that mean that I killed him? Or was it a coincidence?

Nice, Bad Guy

      There he was with his cocky smile just looking at me. He is such a rapist dick. I can’t believe how easy and pleasant he was to be around before. But now, he’s just... dead to me. After that trick he pulled on me two nights ago. I can’t even believe that I trusted him. I feel like a loser, ugly, stupid, and dead. All because I let this asshole into my life. I told him, “no.” But he didn’t listen to me. He kept on going. But I still told him, “no.” And still that didn’t go through his little head of his. I tried to push him off, but he was too strong. I tried to escaped , but he grabbed me. So all I could’ve done was just laid there helplessly. I prayed to God to please, please make this stop. To let it be a nightmare instead. But God didn’t answer my prays. And so I found myself alone, just waiting till my life moves on or maybe, just maybe it’ll end right now. The fact is that life is precious, but my life feels like crap. I just, I just want to be free, you know? Just want to be free like a bird. To just spread my wings and fly away. But no. I can’t. I can’t be like that. I want to tell, but I’m afraid to just be out in the open. Yesterday, I was planning to go to heaven. But I couldn’t do it. I was afraid to disappoint my parents, my family, and my friends. I figure I couldn’t live with the guilt even if I were dead. I just wish that... that even if I did get rape I would be able to tell my story. And my story is now.